Mommy Wars

I was insulted today and my feathers are a little ruffled over it. I was sitting in the lobby of my daughter’s dance class and a few of us moms got talking about the kids going back to school. I happened to mention that I was glad that they went back; it’s been far too long since they’ve learned anything and to be honest, they were starting to drive me a little crazy. This other mom said to me (I wish I could portray the tone of voice in print) “Well you are home aren’t you? You stay at home moms; of course you’d be glad. In my next life I’m going to be a stay at home mom. You are home, right?”

I’m sorry, what? You didn’t just say that to me, right? I literally looked around the room to see if she could have possibly been talking to someone else. This other mom is a teacher and she wasn't looking forward to the start of school today because she didn't feel like facing work.

Me: Well sort of, I have a very part time job right now that I’m able to do from home.
Her: Oh, that Creative something?
Me: Yes, I am a Creative Memories Consultant but that is not what I’m referring to. I’m a nurse and have a job as a nurse but I don’t have to go in very often.
Her: honestly, I stopped listening at this point. I can’t remember what she said. I couldn’t believe I was actually having this conversation in the year 2010.

Instead of engaging her in this conversation any further I picked up my magazine and started to pretend to read. I say pretend because I was in shock another mother said something like that to me.

I wanted to ask her if she ever had to leave her children on Christmas day or miss special events on weekends because of work. No? Well, that has been my life as a nurse. While you were at home enjoying your holiday, enjoying your summer, enjoying your weekend, I was at work hanging IV’s, prepping patients for surgery, handing out medicines, and wiping asses, and if I was having a REALLY bad night, doing CPR or consoling a family of someone who just died. I’ve had to fight the tears as I’ve dried my child’s tears and answer the question “why do you have to go to work right now?”, as I leave the Christmas festivities. But yes, as far as you are concerned I’m a stay at home mom living a leisurely life.

I also refrained from pointing out that this is the first time I’ve been completely home with my kids. That just 2 years ago I was going to school full time, working part time and still managing to be the scout leader and run a gift auction. I refrained from telling her that the reason I’m home this year was a very difficult decision that I agonized over and felt guilty about. I made the decision to leave both of my part time jobs in the past year. I left one part time job last March because I decided no amount of money was worth the frustration and stress that job brought me. I left the second, a job that I enjoyed for over 5 years, because we were having increasing issues and I no longer felt safe there. I left before the police had to show up at my front door explaining to my husband and children that I wasn’t going to be coming home because something happened to me. But yes, as far as you are concerned, I’m just a pampered princess who stays at home and doesn’t work.

I refrained from telling her that even when I was working, I worked midnights and evenings and weekends which still allowed me to be home with my kids during the day. (unbelievably this still apparently qualified me as a stay at home mom in most people’s eyes.) I refrained from pointing out that I’ve had to make a lot of sacrifices as both a working mom and a stay at home mom.

I refrained from asking her if she ever relied on a friend that was a stay at home mom to watch her kid. I refrained from pointing out that for working full time she still had it pretty good, she only has to work 184 days of the year. I refrained from pointing out that I’m juggling the schedules of 3 kids while she is complaining about the over-booked schedule of her only child.

I refrained from pointing out that I’m a Cub Scout leader, a Girl Scout leader, a vice president of a non-profit organization, a committee chair, and the soccer team mom. I refrained from pointing out that I did all of these things even while I was working.

I refrained because I don’t have to justify myself. I’m lucky enough that I’m able to be home with my kids. I don’t have to explain that to anyone. If she would like to sit on her high horse and judge me or be jealous of me or whatever the hell her whole point of ever saying that to me was, then so be it. However, I really thought that we were beyond the “mommy wars” of the working mom vs. the stay at home mom.

Since I refrained from tearing into her you are the recipients of my vent. So thank you for listening to me (assuming any of you made it this far!). What I would like to say to all of you, my readers (if I have any still reading at this point!), please choose your words towards each other carefully. We don’t know what the circumstances of the other person are. Don’t make assumptions and please, don’t ever judge. Whether you are a full time working mom who has to pull in some overtime on top of that, a work at home mom, or a stay at home mom, bravo to you. Keep up the great job being the best you can be at all that you do.